The Ramen KamiSama
by UnderTheSkyy
Summary: Everyone knows that Hokage's word is law, but when he takes his power abit too far by trying to get his enitre village to start worshiping noodles in broth, you know your in for one hell of a ride. crack, slight SasxSaku Partner To TheThornBush


**The Ramen Kami-Sama**

_by UnderTheSky_

**Authors Note:**So, here I am, _again_, writing another little quick crack-oneshot. I got the idea from a previous idea I had in an old story that I deleted. Some of you might remember what I'm talking about and might think, "HEY! You silly idea steeler, shun... SHUN!!!" But I did indeed write that story under a different pen name, so no worries my friends. I can only hope that this story comes out at least half as good as The Thorn Bush did, but then again perhaps I was just struck by an imence force of genious that one time and it'll never happen again. Lets pray thats not the case.

**Warning: **Cursing, Crack-fic, Out of Character, _Slightly_ Disturbing, Not for the Pregnant or Faint of Heart.

**Summary: ** Everyone knows that Hokage's word is law, but when he takes his power abit too far by trying to get his enitre village to start worshiping noodles in broth, you know your in for one hell of a ride. [crack, slight SasxSaku [Partner To TheThornBush

**Editor:** To my beloved Roses Of Sharon, you know I'll love you forever.

**-**

**Naruto/**Sasuke/_Sakura/_Sai/_**Kakashi**_

-

...Dobe.

**SHUT THE FUCK UP, TEME! I TOLD YOU, THE PENGUIN JUST **_**HAPPENED **_**TO BE GOING DOWN THE GARBAGE SHOOT WHEN-**

Dickless, would you mind keeping your voice down? Screaming about neurotic penguins at one in the morning in the Hokage tower won't give a very good impression on the village, if you weren't aware. You know, I believe it's still not too late for Tsunade-sama to take away your position...

**... Don't even joke about that shit, man. That would be like the holocaust for me. Like, I can't even begin to **_**stress**_** the fact that-**

_Hey Naruto, I rushed over as soon as I got the message and I- ...Naruto, why are you straddling a penguin with your you-know-what sticking up its-_

You-Know-What? No, I don't know what. Why don't you enlighten us, Ugly? OH! You mean his non-existent penu-

**SHUT UP! THESE THINGS ARE **_**EVIL**_**!!! IT TRIED TO STEAL MY HOKAGE HAT!**

Kami forbid that the sacred Hokage hat goes missing. Just the mere thought makes me want to hold my blankie at night...

**OHMIGAWD! I thought I was the only one!**

...Dobe.

**WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST-**

_BAKAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!_

**OW! ...**_**Sakura-chaaaaaan**_**, that hurt.**

_No swearing in front of the penguin... It has feelings too..._

Yeah, but it'll need a hell of a lot of feeling for it to feel Dickless's millimeter-sized penis rubbing up against its-

**Sir, I'll have you know that my penis is the embodiment of perfection, sophistication and masculinity.**

That's funny considering you have none of those things.

**YOU MOTHERFUCK-**

_WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SWEARING IN FRONT OF THE PENGUIN? FEELINGS, NARUTO, FEEEEEEEELINGS!_

**That disgusting little fucker can take its feelings and shove them up its ass crack.**

Just like your doing with you penis right now?

**Fuck off teme, you need to do this to show them whose boss. It's like a nature thing.**

Oh, yeah. You're really being "Boss" now. Tell me, Naruto, are you gonna tie it down and gag it with a rubber ball next or are you going to pour hot wax on it while making it call you master?

_**Well**_**, I don't know, teme. Why don't **_**you**_** tell **_**me **_**which one is better****considering that the pedophilic snake-bastard made you such an expert on the subject already.**

... You son of a bi-

_Ok, ok, can the both of you calm down now, _please? _Naruto, would you be so kind as to tell us why exactly you asked us to meet you so urgently in _the middle of the night? _I was so busy with Neji that I-_

... And what the fuck were you doing with the_ Hyuuga_ this late at night?

Hmm... Looks like someone's getting a little frisky... Do I detect a hint of _jealousy?_

**HA HA, THE TEME'S JEALOUS! J TO THE E TO THE A-L-O-U-S!**

Be quiet, you ass fucks. I'm not jealous.

_Well, I don't see how its any of your business, Sasuke-kun, seeing as it's my life and I can do whatever I want with it, not to mention _you_ were out with Ino the whole day today..._

It damn well is my business seeing as you're my team mate and I don't like my team mates fraternizing with the filthy _Hyuugas_... And how did you know I was out with Ino today?

**AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE HYUUGAS? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT MY **_**WIFE**_** WAS A-**

No one cares.

_It doesn't matter how I found out about Ino. You can do whatever you what with her just like I can do anything I want with Neji-kun._

…Neji-_kun_?!?!

**Kami, Sasuke-teme, would you stop bitching about Sakura-chan already? God, you just need to fuck her and get it over with so you can spare us all the antagonizing torture.**

_W-what the-- NARUTO-_

Naruto, stop being such a little shit disturber and tell us why we're here. I'm getting a migraine just listening to your idiocy.

Ah, see how he didn't argue with the moron? How very interesting... 

...Hn.

_ANYWAY – Naruto, Naruto-_kun_, my dear, sweet, lovable Hokage-sama, please, _please_ tell us what was so important so we can get the hell out of here already?_

Why, do you think Neji-_kun's_ getting impatient waiting on you?

_For Kami's sake, Sasuke-kun, I-_

_**Oi, Oi, where the hell's Kakashi-sensei? I summoned for him to come here for my announcement too... **_

Hes probably reading his porno, the filthy bastard.

Ah, so was it he who gave you that huge collection of porn under your bed, Sasuke-san? All this time I thought it was Orochimaru, but then again, there weren't that many gay pornos so I guess I was mistaken...

W-what? You little son of a bitch, I _do not_ have porn under my bed!

Oh really then what's this?

WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?! ICHA ICHA PARADICE SPECIAL ADITON #13 WHERE DIESUKE AND HATSURO MAKE LOVE PASSIONATLY UNDER THE MO MO TREES???? DON'T TOUCH IT WITH YOUR FILTHY HANDS!

_... Sasuke-kun?_

Er-... I mean, uh, that's not mine. Hn.

**But teme, you just said that-**

ISAIDITSNOTMINE!

...Then why does it have your name in it?

... Lies... IT'S ALL LIES!

_Where did you get that in the first place, Sai?_

I told you, under Sasuke-san's bed.

**...What the hell were you doing under the teme's bed?**

...Nothing.

Ok, can we _please_ just move on with this already? Naruto, tell us what's so important. Now.

See how he changed the subject?

For fuck's sake, I-

_OK OK! THAT'S ENOUGH! Naruto. Tell us why we're here or so help me god, I'll-_

**I woooooooould, but it would be rude to start without our beloved Kaka-sensei!**

_**POOF!**_

_**I'm glad you keep me in such high regard, Naruto-kun.**_

And where the hell were you? We've been waiting for like, an hour.

_**Well, I was making my way here when all of a sudden I got lost on the road of life and I-**_

_SHADDUP! No one wants to hear your _lies.

_**Well, Sakura-chan, I- OHMIGAWD! IS THAT ICHA ICHA PARADICE SPECIAL ADITON #13 WHERE DIESUKE AND HATSURO MAKE LOVE PASSIONATLY UNDER THE MO MO TREES??? SASUKE! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT LETTING COMMONERS TOUCH THIS SACRED ITEM?**_

... I 'unno what you're talking about...

_**... How **_**dare **_**you pretend that you don't know what that is? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I WENT THROUGH TEN HOURS OF GAI'S MASTERBATING JUST SO I COULD- Naruto, why are you on top of a penguin with your shallywag rubbing up awkwardly against its-**_

**THEY'RE THE SPAWN OF SAITAN!**

... Riiiiiight. Looks like someone's taken one too many trips to the funny farm.

_The funny farm! Where life is beautiful all the time! And I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming to take me away, HAHA! They're coming to-_

Sakura, that's enough. Your scaring Naruto.

**...Mommy.**

_**So then, now that I'm here, how about we get onto some more pressing matters, eh? Naruto, I believe you had something important you'd like to share with us?**_

_Yeah, at like, one in the fucking morning._

Awww, is poor little Neji-_kun_ sad that your leaving him for so long?

_Well if you just let me explain then I-_

**Ok, no one cares about your little lover's quarrel. Like I said, go shag for a few hours and then you'll both be fine.**

Agreed.

_**Mhm.**_

Totally. I MEAN UH-

**Ok... So now it is time for me to tell you all why I've called you here... Gosh, this is so hard for me... Coming out and all...**

Ha! See, I always knew he was a homosexual! No worries now, Sasuke. If Ugly decides to ditch you for the Hyuuga then you'll have the next best thing!

... Hn... SHARINGAN-

**WHAT? I'M NOT A HOMOSIDAL!**

_Its homosexual, you moron._

**YEAH, THAT TOO! I CAN'T BE A HOMOSAPIEN IF I HAVE MY BELOVED HINATA-CHAN! MY SWEET, BEAUTIFUL, KIND, ADORABLE-**

No one cares.

_**C'mon, Naruto. Just get to the point, would you?**_

**OK, OK, THIS IS IT! Sakura-chan, Kakashi-sensei, Sai-teme... **_**Teme**_

...Yes?

**I've decided to start my own religion.**

...eh?

_...By god, I think he's spontainiously combusted._

_**We always knew he was an idiot, but **_**this**_**? I think I've failed in life as a teacher. I feel so ashamed. Shhh, its ok, Kakashi, its ok... Remember, you still have Sasuke, you still have Sasuke, you still have Sasuke...**_

_... Ehem?_

Holy shit, this is too much. First he wants to be Hokage and now that he's done that he what does he want to do next? Be the fucking _Pope_?

Dickless, don't you think this is a _tad_ bit too stupid? Even for you?

**NO NO NO, SHUT UP YOU GUYS! Listen, okay, so like, last night I was eating some special ramen-**

Surprise, surprise.

**-that the love-of-my-life-slash-soul-mate, Hinata-chan, made for me, right? And then like, all of a sudden I had this, like, **_**apostrophe-**_

_...I think you mean an epiphany._

**-and I knew my true purpose for being Hokage! Screw all that "respect of the village" crap, I know now that I'm a **_**messiah**_**, an instrument of my god who will use me to preach the word of his wisdom!**

... I seriously think you've gone completely mentally deranged.

_Maybe we should send him to the funny farm... The funny farm, where life is beautiful all the ti-_

SAKURA!

_**... -sigh-... Alright, Naruto. Why don't you enlighten us as to who exactly your god is?**_

Yes, because I think we seriously need _another_ heart attack tonight.

**Okay, okay, prepare yourselves for this, it might be too much to handle... **

Oh yes... I'm shaking in my boots...

**Its ok, teme, I'm right here.**

... Dobe.

**Ok, so my god is... **

Que drumroll...

**THE GOD OF RAMEN!**

... Yeah, Sakura's right... He definitely needs to go to the funny farm...

Holy shit... Naruto, what in the name of god possessed you to want to worship a god of noodles in broth?

**RAMEN KAMI-SAMA BE PRAISED!**

_Naruto, did you tell poor Hinata-chan about this?_

**... Yeah.**

And what did _she_ say about it?

**... I 'unno... She hasn't woken up yet... I mean, like, when you faint and fall backwards on stone it takes a while to wake up, right? And especially Hinata-chan because she has like a whole history of-**

No one cares.

_By god-_

**-RamenKamiSama-**

_-Naruto, this is _sick_. You can't base a whole religion just on Ramen, its ludicrous! Who the hell do you think will believe in this garbage? I know the village certainly won't._

**Dude, I'm the Ho-fricken-kage. I can **_**make**_** them believe.**

_**Naruto, as your teacher I cannot condone this. What the hell will your followers pray to? A huge box of instant ramen?**_

**... Well, yeah... OH, OH, IT'LL BE SO AWSOME! We'll convert Konoha into the new Vatican and all ramen stands will be mini churches of worship and instead of receiving the ghost you receive a spoonful of noodles and the teme will be considered the devil and-**

Why do _I _have to be the devil? I don't want anything to do with this nonsense.

**Fine, penguins will be the devil.**

Penguins are kind, gracious, and majestic creatures. What have they ever done to you?

**NUH-UH! THEY'RE TOTALLY **_**NOT**_**. Just look at this one, it's like, trying to peck at my pecker and I just know its trying to get in on some of my action. Ramen Kami-sama, these little mother fuckers are like mini rapists in tuxedos.**

What. The. _Fuck?_

**Well just look at the damned thing! It was like freaking **_**lurking **_**in the shadows watching me when I first got in here and then it fucking pounced on me like an animal and tried to do the hanky panky with me!**

Naruto, are you insinuating that penguins are like sexual predators?

**No teme, predators are like animals who hunt and stuff. Penguins don't hunt, they**_** fish**_**. Duh.**

...Holy hell, you have got to be the most idiotic, stupid, utterly _deranged_ and biggest buffoon that I have ever met in my entire life. And your religion is crap.

**EH, EH! You can mock me all you want, you can use as many big words that I don't know meaning of as you want, and you can even make fun of **_**buffoons**_** as much as you want, but so help me Ramen Kami-sama if you ever, **_**ever**_**-**

...Ever what?

**MAKE FUN OF MY RELIGION!**

...It sucks.

**...What did you say?**

I said it sucks.

**WHAT?**

Has your idiocy now effected your hearing? I SAID YOUR RELIGION SUCKS SHIT!

**WHY YOU LITTLE SON OF A BI-**

_THAT'S ENOUGH FIGHTING!_

Actually, I was quite enjoying that.

_**Me too.**_

_Alright then, the both of you have two options. One: calm down and act civilized, or two: I smash your skulls into Naruto's nose on the Hokage monument. Your choice._

**...Don't you **_**dare **_**...DO YOU FUCKING KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO GET MY FACE UP THERE? **_**DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA?!?!**_** YOU'LL NEVER TOUCH IT, NEVER, NEVER! NYAAAAH!**

I highly doubt we'll be able to talk civilized anyway seeing as the moron over here keeps badgering on about a god based on Ramen.

Has there ever been a time that we've been able to talk civilized with Naruto at all, Ramen Kami-sama or not?

**... Oh great and magnanimous Ramen-Kami-sama! Please help everyone to understand the awesomeness that is your noodles and deliciousness! Please, Ramen Kami-sama, bring peace and benevolence to the world with the enchanting smell of your goodness. Oh, and smite Sasuke-teme and Sai-teme, they'll only hinder your plans! Smite them, oh lord, SMITE THEM!**

_... I feel so uncomfortable..._

Why don't you go get Neji-_kun_ to come and hold you, Sa-ku-ra.

_In the name of god-_

**-RamenKamiSama-**

_-Sasuke-kun, I was not doing anything like _that _with Neji-kun!_

HA, HA, DID YOU HEAR THAT? DID YOU? DID YOU? She called him _Neji-kun_ again.

_And what's wrong with me calling him Neji-kun._

Because he's a filthy _Hyuuga_... AndTheKunIsMine!

_What?_

Nothing. Hn.

**... Not that I mean to break up your little love fest over here, but would you be willing to baptize me in, like, a huge tub of ramen broth, Sasuke-teme?**

...Um, _No_?

You know, I think he's actually serious about this. Dickless, you can't possibly force the people of Konoha to go along with this. They'll rebel against you.

_**Not to mention that they'll take your title as Hokage away.**_

**... W-what?**

And they'll probably take away your hat too, hn.

**BLASPHEMY!**

_... So, you'll give up on all this nonsense then, right? Right, my dear, sweet, Hokage-sama?_

**... Are you guys trying to get me to turn my back on my religion?**

Basically, yeah.

_We're doing this for your own good, Naruto. This whole thing can't be healthy._

Yeah, Dickless. And I'm not about to start bowing down to a large cup of ramen, it'll ruin my "struggling-artist-with-a-rough-past" reputation.

_**Never**_**... NEVER!!! I WILL NOT SUBMIT TO YOUR TRECHERIOUS LIES! FOREVER SHALL I REMAIN FAITHFUL TO MY BELOVED RAMEN KAMI-SAMA!**

Even if they take away your hat?

**... Teme, there comes a time in a man's life where there are more important things then his hat, no matter how awesome it may be.**

_... That's it now, he's officially, completely lost it. There's no hope, absolutely no hope for him now. We only have two options, join him or kill him._

I like the second.

Agreed.

_**I AM SUCH A FAILURE! I only thank that Minato-sensei did not live to see such a shameful day. Poor Forth Hokage-sama must be turning in his grave, god rest his soul.**_

**I think you mean **_**Ramen Kami-sama **_**rest his soul, dattebayo.**

This is so wrong on so many levels, I mean, what the fuck do you think your- Naruto, what in the name of _god_ do you think your doing?

**I 'unno, I'm just trying to adjust my body to the penguin's so it'll be more comfortable. I mean, being in the same position over and over again can get pretty uncomfortable, and I want to give it some variety so it doesn't get board with the same old same old... Hey, do you think **_**this**_** counts as a sex position?**

I dunno, why don't you ask Sakura? She's probably an expert on sex positions considering she's probably done a million with her _Neji-kun_.

_Oh for the love of god-_

**-RamenKamiSama-**

_-Sasuke-kun, if you would just listen for one sec-_

No, Sakura, I'd rather not listen to your sex stories of you and your little Neji_-kun_.

_FOR FUCK'S SAKE, SASUKE, I WAS NOT HAVING SEX WITH NEJI! _

I'M SOOOOOOOO SURE! BECAUSE IT'S SO NORMAL FOR HIM TO BE AT YOUR HOUSE AT ONE IN THE MORNING!

_YEAH, IT'S NORMAL FOR HIM TO BE THERE IF HE BROKE HIS LEG ON A MISSION AND THE HOSPITAL WAS FULL, YOU DUMB-ASS MORON! GOD-_

**-RamenKamiSama-**

_-SASUKE, SOMETIMES I THINK YOU COULD BE STUPIDER THEN NARUTO. AND AT LEAST I HAVE AN EXCUSE, BUT WHAT REASON WOULD YOU HAVE FOR HANGING OUT WITH INO BESIDES GETTING ASS?_

I WAS ONLY OUT WITH HER BECAUSE SHE WAS HELPING ME PICK OUT FLOWERS _FOR YOU_, YOU STUPID ASS! I MEAN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD-

**-RamenKamiSama-**

-SAKURA, WHY THE HELL ELSE WOULD I WANT TO HANG OUT WITH INO IF IT WASN'T _FOR YOU_?

_... Sa-Sasuke-kun?_

... Hn...

Oh wow... This is just like my soap opera I tape at home...

**Yeah... Except, like, better...**

_**You know... If they lose their clothes... Then it might even be better then Icha Icha Paradice...**_

_... Sasuke-kun... Wh... What are you trying to say?_

OHMIGAWD! He's blushing...

... W-Well... Well, umm... Uh... That is- umm... Sakura, I-

_OH MY GOD!_

_**He hasn't asked you to resurrect the clan yet, Sakura, wait until he finishes the sentence before you start to-**_

_NO, IT'S NOT THAT, LOOK AT THE PENGUIN!_

ITA! Its adorable, cuddly face is starting to turn blue!

_**IT'S LOOSING OXYGEN!**_

Well, no shit. Naruto's penis is being jammed down its air tubes.

**NO! I CAN'T HAVE THE BLOOD OF PENGUIN SPILT ON MY HOKAGE HANDS! EVEN IF THESE THINGS ARE THE SPAWN OF THE DEVIL, I WILL NOT LIVE WITH THE GUILT!**

Well, what do you know? Dickless's dick is just big enough to suffocate a penguin! I always knew he'd find its purpose one day.

**QUICK, EVERYONE! PRAY TO THE RAMEN KAMI-SAMA FOR STRENGTH!**

_Dear god-_

**-RamenKamiSama-**

_-, please tell me he's still not on about that._

**OOOOOOHHHH GREAT AND MAGNANAMOUS RAMEN KAMI-SAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAA!**

...Shouldn't we do something about this?

**OOOOOOHHHH GREAT AND MAGNANAMOUS RAMEN KAMI-SAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAA!**

_**If the idiot doesn't get off the penguin soon, it'll die for sure.**_

**OOOOOOHHHH GREAT AND MAGNANAMOUS RAMEN KAMI-SAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAA!**

_Sasuke-kun, do something! The penguin will die if you don't save it!_

Why the hell would I want to-- OH! Yeah, right, right. Uh, of course I'll save the penguin for you, Sakura! I shall use my awesome strength and Uchiha-ness to rescue that poor, defenseless creature. I, the infamous Uchiha Sasuke, shall-

_CHEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!_

Good hit, Ugly. You got Naruto off in one shot!

... Hn.

_**... Is Naruto ok? He's not getting up. And he's making weird noises in his sleep.**_

_OH MY GOD, LOOK! SOMTHINGS HAPPENING TO THE PENGUIN!_

Huh, what the-- 

--Oh...

_**... Um.**_

... Hn.

_... eh._

**... Nrhysh...**

... Did the penguin just lay an _egg_?

**"..."**

"..."

_"..."_

"..."

**"..."**

... Do you think Naruto's the father?


End file.
